Inventory
“The condition of truth is to allow suffering to speak - that gives it an existential emphasis.”
Every time I see a child do something “embarrassing” I’m tempted to ask if I was like that as a child. The obvious answer, of course I was. I didn’t know any better. Kids do really cringey things because they’re supposed to. How are they supposed to grow if they don’t learn? Besides, the only reason why it’s cringey to us is because we’ve done it too and we shun the parts of others that we’re embarrassed about from our own experiences.
By that same token, we’ve collectively done some cringey things in love and relationships. I see and hear teenagers do and say the most secondhand embarrassing things and I’m tempted to ask if I was like that in my adolescence. The obvious answer, of course I was. I didn’t know better. Teenagers are 80% hormones — that is, 80% hormone induced emotions. They’re about 3% common sense and the remaining 17% is a space for principles they’re taught but haven’t realized they need.
Calculate that by the amount of years spent in dens of equally heightened emotional angst (middle school, high school, college), paired with equally lacking emotional sensibilities (peers and sometimes teachers), and influences that don’t mitigate the emotional damage they accrue but add to the impulsive behaviors their hormone induced emotions already trigger.
That’s who we all were, so of course we’ve all made some cringey decisions.
There’s this notion of sexual liberation that has trickled over into the sphere of the principles we live by and what I believe started (or intended to start) as offerings of grace for us because we’ve been trial and erroring our love all our lives turned into unapologetically continuing to sin against ourselves because we’ve been led to believe that making a mistake is different if you make it with your whole chest.
I’m aware that this is mostly a reaction against the judgement of society, especially as it pertains to the scarlet letters that society has mass produced and readied for any woman who has dared to or mistakenly stepped outside of what is acceptable.
When do we stop, take inventory on how our behaviors impact our emotional health and decide to move forward differently? This has nothing to do with what society deems acceptable. This doesn’t even have anything to do with what the church and the bible deems acceptable.
How much of our emotional reactions have led to behaviors that we found ourselves crying about in isolation because the replay of it in our minds felt a lot differently than the moments leading up to it? How many times have our rebellions to society caused us to behave in ways that, after enough occurrences, we could honestly say didn’t fair in our favor? If we take society and church out of it altogether, would we be able to say that some of the things we’ve done feels more like sins against ourselves than anyone else?
No one was more rebellious than I was, though my emotional actions weren’t statement pieces. I simply did what made sense in the moments I existed. It always came down to, nothing is certain and life isn’t promised. There came a time when I saw how my patterns would blur together in a mess of emotional instability when the same thoughts that tempted me turned on me in judgement. When those memories of moments that consisted of just living became the base ingredient for bouts of anxiety pertaining to my hopes for love and depression regarding my past love lives.
I had the opportunity to take inventory of my life, my decisions and how they truly added up and I didn’t like the trajectory that I saw myself taking if I continued. It was then that I realized that I had examples of how it would turn out, all around me, from the start. I saw the patterns in the women in my family that came before me and I had already known that I didn’t want what they had — I just didn’t realize that our patterns were the same and that it meant that I was on track to becoming just like them.
I took inventory. I allowed my grief to have its say and before I could think of any changes to make, I let it all out. I let every tear fall and made space for my uncertainty to exist outside of my heart. The rest came in waves. Improvements, healing, more grief, more grace and more improvement in layers.
I knew that I wanted more than I had ever allowed myself to have. I knew that in order to get what I wanted, I had to believe that it existed. I knew that I’d have to become someone specific to feel worthy of the specific things I desired and I told myself that I could. When I failed to believe it, I allowed my faith to remind me that nothing is impossible for God.
My journey rerouted back in 2015, then again in 2017, and 2018 and 2019. I’m on my way. When I take inventory of where I was it shows me that where I am now is more than I ever imagined was possible. I’m on my way.
PRAYER
God, If I’m honest, I’m not fond of all my memories of my life. More times than I’m comfortable sitting with, I sit and judge myself for the moments I should have known better —even more, for the moments when I did know better and chose to follow my feelings without objection. I don’t want to use society as an excuse to sin against myself. I don’t even want to use fear of judgement from you to scare me into being better for myself. I’m choosing to believe that you love me no matter what I do and who I’ve been. With that in mind, what I want is for my behaviors to make me feel good about myself and feel hopeful for my future. Cleanse my heart and mind of how I think of myself. Reframe my mistakes and help me to give grace to myself. Help me to not look for permission to continue living in a way that comes back to torment my emotions when it’s all said and done. I’m giving you my heart, my mistakes, my desires, and my future to make something new of me. Give me peace about what I’ve done. Remind me that what I’ve done isn’t who I am. Give me hope for my future. I trust you. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
REFLECT
Take inventory of your life. Who are you becoming? What do you want long term? How do your patterns add to or take away from your desired end? Write it all down and give it all to God —the good and the bad.