CHANGING OF THE GUARD
“Each of us guard a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside.”
When it comes to the context of generational change, we champion financial stability and emotional wellness as it pertains to therapy and evicting trauma as a practice that we hope our children carry on. I’ve seen these sentiments shared both within and outside of the church which has been beautiful to witness.
We’re acknowledging that we have to do the work for ourselves but also that we have to share the stories with our children so that they can grow with an advantage that we might not have had. A lot of our parents dropped the ball when it came to raising us, beyond the responsibilities of clothing, housing and feeding us. The most some of us know about love is what we’ve seen from our parents, what we’ve seen on television and what we’ve struggled through in our own lives. A lot of our parents didn’t teach us anything about love beyond lecturing us on what would happen if we came home with news of unplanned pregnancies “under their roof”.
I’m inclined to believe that the reasons lessons fell short in the realm of love is because between mother and father, there wasn’t much to be proud of in the way they behaved in relationships. Fathers are haunted by their pasts as it pertains to their daughters and mothers fear that their words will hold no meaning if their pasts are unearthed.
Obviously this isn’t true for everyone. Some people are proud of their pasts whether it’s spotty or spotless. The way they feel about their past selves isn’t always evident in the way they discuss it or if they do.
What many of us don’t realize is that no matter what our past is, it holds lessons that are necessary to share.
I’ve read a few books in the past few years that have made alarming statements about emotional and relational education in men and women. “Just As I Am’ by Cicely Tyson, “Finding Me” by Viola Davis, “I’m Glad My Mom Died” by Jennette McCurdy, to name a few, has highlighted the idea that many women are completely unprepared for their first romantic encounters — regardless of how early or late in their lives it comes.
The worst part of the realization for me was just how much their stories resonated with me and my own experiences. It’s the way a decision in a moment or the lack of agency to make a decision in a moment led to life changing experiences— experiences that led to babies or decades of trauma.
It made me realize that men and women were being raised as if they existed on completely different worlds and were never expected to interact.
The time for that has passed. Things are coming to light in memoirs, on social media, on television, and in therapy and along with those things coming to light should be the realization that we’re the adults now. This means that we can’t afford to stick our heads in the sand the way our parents did. I don’t mean that we need to force the uncomfortable conversations but we do need to prepare to have them.
We’ve got God-children, sons, daughters, nieces and nephews and more than enough reasons to point our efforts in the direction of better; so even if our pasts aren’t things we can say we’re proud of, we can supplement those stories with the ones we’re writing now with our attempts at healing and growth.
We are the new guard. It’s time we take that more seriously, lest the next generation be even worse off than we were.
PRAYER
God, If there was something I never needed it would be the realization that I have a responsibility to the young people in my life, to be an actual example for them. It’s not enough anymore to disclaimer my self-destructive behavior with statements about how much I’m not trying to be anyone’s influence. I am whether I like it or not and as much as it hurts, I don’t want to fail them like my parents, aunts, and uncles failed to prepare me. I don’t know how to be any different than I am. I didn’t even think there was anything wrong with they way I maneuvered through life until I saw it through the lens of an example for the kids. If my kids, my nieces and nephews behaved the way my peers and I do, I’d be tempted to judge them. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, if only because it has real life implications for the young ones in my life who I love and want better for. Help me to be a better example. Help me to guard my heart, mind, and actions to give them something positive to be inspired by. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
REFLECT
What are some things you learned from the elders in your life that you wish came with stories, instructions and warnings? What are some lessons error has taught you that you wished to know before you failed through it? For each item, write how it can become a lesson to the young people in your life (at the appropriate times).