BACK AT ONE
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
What would it feel like to not fear endings? What would it feel like to embrace new beginnings? How would it feel if we allowed things to be their own without blurring the transitional lines together?
I’m talking about rebounds and transitional relationships (that usually require spinning the block to reconnect with somebody that you used to know to provide comfort for the thing that ended so you can get some semblance of confidence to look forward to the next thing without facing the problems in between). I imagine you’re thinking about a specific person or time right now. Good.
NOTE: None of the things we’re going to call on from our experiences should be done in shame. This is about reflecting on patterns, the real implications of those patterns and reassessing the behaviors we’ve allowed ourselves to participate in for best results going forward. Shame isn’t the way forward but neither is pride in being or having done the questionable things we’ve all done in the name of evading emotional pain.
There’s a sensation that I have not yet sufficiently put into words that describes what it feels like to face the things that we naturally avoid. I’ll try to describe it.
- There’s a moment when you decide to not back down from what change requires.
- Every bold-faced decision we make will undoubtedly be met with a challenge, a test of our resolve.
- It looks in my head like any sci-fi scene where the human comes face to face with the alien, dinosaur, monster.
- It’s a moment that’s meant to bring you to your knees.
- It feels like a waft of preemptive shame and/ or guilt. Preemptive because it feels like it’s a response to a hope that you’ve allowed yourself to acknowledge. The truth is, though, that you can’t pre-date shame. We accept it, but it’s not our futures that we’re ashamed of, it’s the thought that with who we’ve been and what we’ve done, we have the nerve to hope to be different.
Facing those moments is daring. What I’ve noticed, though, is that in these cognitive face-offs with shame, while we’re being reminded of why we don’t deserve better, fear is sneaking in the back and fortifying the guilt and shame from our past.
What standing firm feels like? It feels like the presence of shame lingering for as long as it can, trying to get you to change your mind. The firmer you stand, the smaller it gets.
What standing firm requires: You have to brave the shame over and over, every time it presents itself. You have to accept what it feels like while you’re disarming what it says about you based on your past. Fact is fact and truth is truth. The fact is, we’ve all been extremely reckless with ourselves. The truth is that grace is available for us if we accept it. Shame in the areas you face shrinks down to a small cringe with enough time. Then that cringe is replaced with an overwhelming sense of gratitude that you aren’t who you’ve been — that you’ve grown so much that the past no longer feels defined.
Standing firm requires a few things: It requires that we have already done the work of acknowledging the mess we’ve made of our lives; that we’ve taken full accountability; and that we’ve done the deep dive to figure out what triggers our worst behaviors. That self-awareness makes it possible to work on each area of our lives where we’ve built up patterns of self-sabotage.
When we can face what we’ve done and why we’ve done it, we can then figure out how to do it differently.
1. Put the plan in place.
2. Work your steps.
3. Hold yourself accountable.
4. Give yourself grace.
5. Acknowledge the changes you’ve made.
When you see that growth is possible, hope begins to set in.
Continue your steps but be prepared to fight for that hope. The moment hope arrives, so does remixed versions of guilt and shame that are just looking for the space and opportunity to spiral into depression and anxiety pertaining to your possibilities.
Being back at the starting block isn’t as bad as we’ve allowed ourselves to believe. I’ve heard it said that, “you’re not starting over, you’re starting from experience.”
Your mind will collect the experiences you’ve had to make a case for why you can’t be or have better in your relationships. If you wait for the accusations to be lobbed against you, it might stick. Work on you and allow the work to convince you that there’s redemption in your future.
Reframe step one through the lens of endings being opportunities for beautiful new beginnings featuring a more refined version of yourself that knows a little more now.
PRAYER
God, I’d be lying if I said that the confidence I try to show is the confidence I feel. I’d be lying if I said that I am who others think I am. I’d be lying if I said I even know who I am but I know what I’ve done and what I’ve been through and as far as identity goes, that’s all I feel tied to. I know I have work to do, to be better but when I think of my possibilities, it feels wild to give up the relationships that are messy but certain for the hope of something more aligned that I don’t even feel worthy of in the privacy of my mind. Not everyone needs to be privy to my true feelings about myself but I need someone who I can be real with about it and I’m choosing you for that. I want to give you who I am and trust you to make it better. I don’t care about perfection, I just want to be someone I can face in the mirror, someone I can love sincerely, and someone that believes that I am worthy of the good things you want for me. Help me to protect my hope as I work on being better. Fix me in the ways that I could never hope to fix myself and change the way I see me. Help me to see myself the way you see me. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
REFLECT
Make a list, in pencil, of your attributes that you aren’t fond of. Are you quick to make assumptions? Are you fearful? Do you self-isolate? Are you defensive? Do you speak harshly to yourself and others? Next to each item, write down who you’d like to be, in pen. If you’d like to trade in the assumptions for trust or giving people the benefit of the doubt while trusting God to protect you from people who mean you ill, say that. If you’d like to be strong and courageous instead of fearful, say that. If you’d like to be enveloped by the love of family and community rather than alone, say that. If you’d like your language to be gentle and life-affirming, say that.
Be sure to add the date to the list. You’ll want to remember when you made the commitment to become who you’d like to be rather than defensively continuing to be who your circumstances made you. Pray about your list, ask God for the peace and the courage to see it through. Affirm your capacity for growth and watch your progress.