VISION
“Write the vision, and make it plain.”
If you asked me before what I wanted from a relationship, I’d say a few surface-level things like how I’d want it to make me feel and how it would look. I still have some surface-level desires but now, it’s mostly the vision of what I want that stems from who I’m becoming, what I’m meant to do, and the kind of partnership that covers each area of the things that are immovable for me. Here are a few examples of some of my identifiers and the breakdown of how it impacts my vision:
I’m a believer in Christ. This has come to mean more to me than almost everything else. This also has come to look a lot different than it used to (and is still evolving). There are things I no longer care for, not because of religious restrictions, but because those things don’t feed my soul or serve my bottom line. What I like to listen to has changed, what I enjoy watching has shifted, and the places I feel comfortable going to aren’t the same. This means that you wouldn’t find me dating a DJ or someone who has a career that revolves around something that I can’t support.
I’m a creator. I love that I get to spend my time creating but more importantly, my purpose is connected to my creative gifts— more specifically, my words. I’ve learned the hard way that there is a whole group of otherwise compatible men that this one part of my life nullifies. The reason? Some people don’t do well with words. Not just in speaking but in receiving. I’ve vetted (I say vetted in place of 'date' because the cultural definition of ‘date’ is still lost on me) men who have made my words feel wasted. I’ll be the first to admit that there’s a lot at the center of my overthinking and my way with words —a lot of which might be too much for some. I’ve learned that that’s okay but also, I’ve learned how moments of friction with people who my words are too much for tend to turn into me wanting to relinquish my gift of words. I’ve floated in and out of periods where I would only speak when spoken to (in any situation, personal or professional) and would try my hardest to say as little as possible even when I felt pushed to say something encouraging or helpful because of how some personal moment with someone who wasn’t graced for my gift made me feel.
I like traveling. It’s bigger than vacation, though. There’s an element of travel that unlocks pieces of you that you might never otherwise meet. Those hypothetical pieces of myself only ever become anything other than hypothetical when I do what it takes to meet them. There was a time when I was too riddled with anxiety to do much exploring; even in my own state. The moment I was shown how simple it could be, the picture of who I could become opened up. My becoming began to involve who I could be in new spaces around the world based on what these spaces had to teach me about humanity and myself. Since I learned that my place in the world also existed outside of my hometown, my professional desires opened up too. I’m now more willing to embrace the discomfort of in transition to satisfy my professional vision. I’m sure that with the proper resources, anyone would love to take a world tour. There’s a difference, though, between those who would if the circumstances lined up and those who are willing to make the circumstances line up. Because I’m aware that I almost allowed relationships to stop me from taking a step toward my purpose before, I’m cautious of anything that would stunt my growth in purpose, now.
I hope to adopt and foster children in the future. Having children is not for everyone. I’m not yet sure if it’s for me in the biological sense but I’ve always loved kids and for a long time, it’s been in my heart to create the kind of life for myself that has space for children who have been discarded by their parents. It’s one of those things that I keep in mind as I make decisions for my life. This means that the person I choose has to be a giver. Someone whose heart is open to children who might not be the easiest to deal with. There are traits that are necessary for creating a safe space for others, especially kids burdened with trauma and anger that circumstances beyond their control have given them. Even without the idea of fostering and adopting, being with someone who cares about creating a safe space for themselves and for me is important. There are things that are too delicate to be whimsical about and this is high on that list.
I believe in integrity. There have been conversations, as of late, about men in business versus men in the home and the line drawn between the two is an area of contention for me. The stories I’ve heard about historical male figures whose personal choices come up against what should be an undeniable legacy of good work have made integrity an enormous focal point for me. It doesn’t just come down to what it looks like from the outside. It comes down to the heart of the man and the examples that his life of choices set. It also circles right back around to my being a believer. As a follower of Christ, I don’t just subscribe to a basic template of morality. It’s not just about what culture deems adequate. There’s a standard that goes beyond what culture excuses. Not only do I strive to continuously grow in integrity but I require the same of those in the innermost circle of my life. It goes without saying that there’s no judgment here for those who have made choices that they regret. The idea is to not allow the acceptance of skewed morals to become the standard. Grace, mercy, and forgiveness don’t relax the goal, it cleans the slate and allows another chance to get to the goal.
The more I grow into myself, the clearer the vision becomes. The more I experience, the less I’m willing to haggle with the things that can be a detriment to the quality of the only life I have on this earth. I care about what the picture of my lived experiences shows the people around me. In as much as it is mine to choose, the life I live needs to be a picture of hope— relationships are no exception.
PRAYER
Lord, I’m still learning who I am. I’m still hoping that who you want me to be is possible against the temptations to revert to older versions of myself. God, I’m asking you to update my heart in a way that causes those old versions of me to no longer be recognizable let alone desirable. Help me to know this new version of me so well that I can discern what serves me and what is a distraction. Help me to make better decisions for myself and for the life I can have in you. Help me with the vision for my life. I can’t see it fully or clearly but I can see just enough to give me hope. Give me hope. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
REFLECT
What are some of your identifiers? List them and decide what it means for the vision of the relationship you need to be the best version of yourself.