ALIGNMENT
“I believe we each have the opportunity to undergo thousands of little deaths and rebirths everyday. Each time we do, we free up space to live more fully in tune with who we really are, and to go where we are being called to go.”
The moment you learn something profound that changes the way you see a struggle you’ve been having, what’s the first thing you want to do?
For me, it’s to talk about it with someone who knows just how revolutionary this epiphany is, based on what they know about me and my struggles.
The moment you speak on this new thing you’re excited about (because you’re now envisioning all the ways your life will improve) and you are met with disapproval, a lack of understanding, or someone who isn’t excited for your growth, what’s the first thing you do?
For me, it’s to question if the thing that I thought would be life-changing is really that big of a deal at all. That might be followed by a temptation to put it to the side or not pursue it anymore.
This is why who you have in your life is far more important than having someone fill space in your life. A lot of us have gone through the I’d rather have someone than be alone, phase. For far too many of us, it wasn’t a phase at all but a place we got stuck because our thoughts on the matter never evolved beyond the pacification of our physical desires.
Have you ever gotten to a place in your life where you were able to reconcile that based on the nature of the relationship you were in before, you couldn’t have gotten to where you are now with that person in your life?
I remember being in relationships where the mere act of getting out of my comfort zone to see what kind of inspiration I might find at art networking events and galleries triggered drama. I had an ex who prematurely brought up the possibility of me being a stay-at-home wife/mother just when I began to find interest in getting out to creative showcases and collaborating with artists who had more experience than me. He even went as far as telling me that he thought I was doing too much.
I had another ex call me when I got to a function and try to stay on the phone with me for the duration. I didn’t see the issue at the time because I was nervous about being there and would have preferred having someone with me. It took future problems to realize that he was insecure about who I would inevitably become and about whether or not he’d have a place in it.
There was a lot that I didn’t know about purpose, life, and about love. I still took things at face value. I wanted what I wanted because of the comfort in it but it didn’t occur to me that my comfort at the time was directly positioned in opposition to who I was supposed to become. I said on multiple occasions that if that first relationship worked out as I had hoped, I would not have done any of the many things I’ve done over the years. It wasn’t just because he had insecurities that I didn’t see but because the hardness of my life leading up to that moment made me want nothing more than to be tucked away in some small corner of the world, cultivating love for him and myself and nothing more.
Flash forward to right now…
I’ve learned enough about myself to see the vision of who I’m becoming and to be hyper-aware of what it requires of the people I hold close. To people outside of the spectrum of the capability to meet my requirements, it sounds demanding and unrealistic. To the people who are within that spectrum of capacity; the people who live it for themselves and understand why those requirements are necessary it sounds familiar and welcoming. That’s one of the differences alignment offers.
I didn’t fully understand the idea of waiting until the foundation of your life is in place before adding a partner. That lack of understanding was mostly due to the delay that a lot of us have experienced in gaining the self-awareness that allows the vision of your life’s possibilities to become clear. It was also due to the time restrictions placed on things like having children. It put us in a rush to figure things out and though we might not want to consider the things in our lives that are derivative of our haste as trash —haste does make waste. We’ve gone in circles for love for so long that our man-made clocks run out and we feel rushed to make a decision that is not based on alignment but on fear of never getting it if we wait on getting it right.
Something I’ve done to remind myself of what I’m waiting for is imagined scenarios in the different areas of my life playing out in the ways I’d want them to. How it looks with the right partner. It doesn’t have to be make-believe, it can be the things that are happening right now with the real options, decisions, or struggles at your feet. What would the right person do or say?
This is not about perfection so it’s also important to imagine that your things conflict with their things and that it’s met with uncertainty or frustration at some point. One of my things is that I don’t like being angry, I don’t like raising my voice and I don’t curse at people or call them out of their names. That’s important to me. That means for me, the right (even imperfect) partner would know how to be frustrated or upset without yelling.
Another one of my things is that I loathe manipulation. I’d rather sacrifice everything than try to force my way with someone and I like to be around people who feel the same. That means the right (even imperfect) partner would know how to lose in the moment than try to diminish my right to autonomy.
Alignment is the difference between a love that battles obstacles and a love that you have to fight (each other) for. It’s the difference between experiencing a million little births or a million little deaths in your life over the course of your relationship.
PRAYER
God, I’m learning more about myself and sometimes it’s discouraging because the more I grow, the more I feel like there’s no one in the world that can match my increasing requirements. A part of me knows that can’t possibly be true. Out of the 7+ billion people in this world, there has to be at least 1 that I make sense to on a molecular level. I’m leaving the details to you and I’m trusting that you have the answer to my prayer —that you are molding me to also be the answer to someone else’s prayers. It’s different when you mold me to fit someone you trust with me than me molding myself to fit someone who I can’t be sure of. I trust that you know all. I trust that you didn’t just form me for love but also for a purpose. I believe that the only real way to have it all, the love and the purpose in peace, is through you. I don’t want to continue to forfeit so help me. I leave the alignment of my love to you. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
REFLECT
Write out a few of the scenarios of your life and allow yourself to think about how alignment in love would respond to them. Don’t only focus on what seems major. Consider the smaller moments that build up to the day-to-day with this person. What would silence feel like in their presence? How would they respond to your joy? Your pain? What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel loved? What version of yourself do that safety and love empower?