WHAT IS IT WORTH?
“You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”
Last week I mentioned how identity changes the love you accept. Let’s talk a little more about that.
Value, values, and identity spun together in an epiphany for me that was annoying in how simple it was and in how I missed it, over and over, for years.
I thought about myself as a thing [bear with me], one that could be bought at a store. There I was on display with one of those signs that emphasized all my features— things I worked hard to cultivate over the course of my young adulthood. I worked on being less defensive, and a little more vocal even if not in defense of myself or anything else. I learned how to cultivate my passions but not allow them to consume me. I worked on my language, being gentler in my word choices even if my stance was immovable. I returned to my faith with a newer, more profound understanding. I developed discipline, not just for a craft but for things aligned with moral integrity and the level of respectable I desired to be. It was all there, laid out in the open for everyone to see.
*It might be important to note here that I have always sucked at sales. I can be very persuasive but one thing I could never do is sell someone something they didn’t want or need. I don’t believe in forcing things onto people and I do believe in living within your means— be it physical, financial, or emotional.
As this thing with specific features, I noticed people noticing some of the benefits that I came with but completely ignoring the others. It was then that I realized that just because someone can appreciate your value, it doesn’t mean they’d know what to do with it.
What good to me would a man be who only valued the discipline that allowed me to take on celibacy for as long as I have, in me? What good would it do me to be chosen by someone who didn’t desire that same discipline for themselves? There would be no worry of unfaithfulness for them but what benefit would I receive simply from him liking that I was who I was and not mirroring it?
Further, I’ve met men who had no interest in the details of my faith. Ones who merely liked the Idea that I’m spiritual. I’ve had conversations with these men that ended in a stalemate of agreeing to disagree when the thing they liked most about me was triggered by a belief that they didn’t necessarily care for.
It makes me wonder what thought process leads them to pursue someone they’re not suited for or that isn’t suited for them. I get that we can never really tell to start, but once you notice that things aren’t what you thought they were, what is the thought process behind continuing in pursuit of something that is more where you don’t want more? Further, where should I put all the other features that you didn’t need and don’t want, that I’ve worked hard to have because I need them to be the overall version of myself that I am?— the version that you appear to like. There's a deep dive here that we'll get into at a later date.
Stripping things from my identity and allowing spiritual values to define who I am helped make it clear who and what wasn’t for me. The love can be there, the respect can be there, but who would I become if I had to strip away what they deemed unnecessary for their purposes, those things that are so vital to mine?
The step to take before, during, and after you take on this mission of becoming, is to pray that you’ll be empowered to make the difficult decisions that come with this new realization of who you are. Your pool of prospects will become much smaller. Are you okay with that?
We should be because the narrowing down leads us to the things and people we’re better suited for. I won’t pretend that the sifting of your old life doesn’t come with a certain grief. It does but more on that next week.
PRAYER
God, there are layers to this new thing I want to become in you that I didn’t factor in. I wanted to be better in my relationships and I wanted your help but I didn’t think about the fact that I wasn’t becoming better to be accepted by the people who were there before. I didn’t realize that new people were coming with the new me I’m becoming. I didn’t realize that it was less of a suggestion and more of a standard because those old people can undo my progress due to how much I wanted to be loved and accepted by them. I don’t want that to deter the changes I knew I wanted before I was made aware of the sacrifices they come with. I want to accept the changes you make to my friendships, to the kind of people I’m drawn to, and the kind of relationship goals I have. I know I can’t change them for myself. If I could have I would have already realized it was something I needed and made the change. Help me to stay open to this process even when it asks of me more than I felt prepared to give. Help me to allow you to elevate my sensibilities as it pertains to myself, my worth, and what I accept going forward. Give me peace for the journey and comfort for the grief. In Jesus’s name, Amen.
REFLECT
What are the changes you’ve noticed so far in your life? What are some changes that you intended and what are the changes that seem to be unintentional (a result of other things)? Based on those new features, what kind of partner do you want? What traits do they need to have to appreciate and cultivate these new traits in you? Further, what traits do you need to have to appreciate and cultivate the features you desire in them?