The last post I wrote of depression (Can I Get A Lift) left me feeling like I had found the key that unlocked the door to a manageable life, and that's because managing depression is possible. I never want to delude myself or anyone else into thinking that knowing what to look for in your dark moments will ascertain a life free from any lows, it won't. You'll still feel dark in some moments of extreme stress - I still feel dark in the moments that my exhaustion meets the issues that I can't in the present moment fix or control. The difference between then and now is the ways I go about living - I aim to live within my means, in all aspects. The most important is to live within my emotional means. For me, this means putting a hold on relationships until I find someone who can appreciate my complexities while taking their time with the fragile parts of me. It means that friendships have to be scrutinized and that not every cool person I meet will be my BFF. It also means that I won't work a full time job that I hate - which also means that I have to live within my financial means because working part time at a job that I'm not 100% fond of doesn't allow for a "throw it in the bag" lifestyle. I've made a mental note of things to avoid but I don't see them as restrictions because they contribute to my best self. It does make me a little different than most of the people I know but I've come to love being an isolated incident.
One of the positives that has come from living with depression and being determined to overcome it each and every day is that it has forced me to be completely aware of myself and completely real with myself.
A few things self awareness has showed me:
1. my strengths outweigh my weaknesses
2. who my real friends are
3. those real friends love me even without the pieces the world told me that I'm missing
4. Flaws = character and mine (or yours) can't be depicted by anyone else
5. It's okay to love myself deeply, it allows me to tell others how I need to be loved (and since I'm willing to give it to myself, I won't accept anything less from anyone)
Since Can I Get A Lift, I've found new lows but I've also found new heights and new ways to show myself how strong I am - I've also found others who take comfort in knowing my struggles because without me saying it, no one ever knew. It gives them hope to know that someone who seems so intact knows what it's like to fall apart. I'm glad I can be that for them - and I'm thankful for those who have been that for me. I hope my highs can take you higher. I will continue to push through for myself and for anyone who needs to know that it's possible to feel thoroughly out of your mind but be completely sane at the same time.
Kimolee Eryn is an artist and writer who believes in creating for a purpose beyond the purpose of creating. She believes that a life should be lived not just to sustain itself but to cultivate peace, love and growth in all adjacent beings and hopes to exemplify that in all she does.